Anger Turned Inward

Yesterday I had my second meeting with my new psychiatrist--the one connected to my out-patient therapy group.  I don't get to keep the one I had in the hospital because he strictly works with in-patients.  I knew when I came out of the meeting that I felt more depressed than when I went in, but it took my group digging at me to find out what triggered the slump.  I was angry at the psychiatrist and I had a perfectly good reason to be angry.  In fifteen minutes time, the doctor told me for the second time that I was on some very expensive drugs.  She told me I was taking less than one-half of the average dose of one of the medicines.  She told me I was in the 40-60 age group and that when she turned 40 her optometrist told her she needed bifocals, but she resisted because it made her feel old.  She told me she didn't have her son, who is ten years old, until she was 34.  And she told me while a physician only treats the body, a psychiatrist treats 33 facets of the whole person.  All I said was my glasses were trifocals and I didn't feel any better.  Oh yeah, she also demonstrated while scissoring her arms up and down that I needed balance in my life.  Do you see where I'm going with this?  She talked at me with no regard for my needs.  She did and said nothing of any use to me.  Instead of telling her what I needed--that I still wasn't sleeping, maybe I needed an increase in that very expensive medicine, that I fought depression for 35 years, so I was pretty sure it wasn't caused by my getting older, I turned my anger at her incompetence inward, at myself, because that's what depressed people do.  We don't even know we're doing it.  The professionals think if they can change our thought processes, we won't be depressed.  Maybe that's true; all I know is that when I'm on medication that's keeping the depression at bay, I don't have those negative thoughts.  I don't get mad at someone else but turn it on myself.  I've been unable to find a medicine for the last seven years that will keep the depression manageable, so maybe I'm stuck with trying to learn how not to think in a depressed pattern and that'll have to be good enough.  But don't you think it's a hell of a thing when your psychiatrist makes you worse?