Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Six Days
The ketamine started to stop working last night (the 17th) around 9:00. I began having little pings of suicidal thoughts, two between 9:00 and 10:00 and one early this morning. During the day (yesterday) I had felt great. Saw my therapist that afternoon, I think shocked the socks off her. I was able to push myself to do stuff today, so I took full advantage of my days and I'm working at turning off the suicidal ideation, but it is back. However, I'm not hopeless, so that aspect is much better. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and I expect that he'll set up another infusion. To all my fellow patients and readers battling depression--hang in there! We're going to finally convince the mental health profession that we are fighting a physical disease and that's the first step in finding a cure.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Ketamine Works!
I promise I'll go back and fill in how I ended up in the hospital again and how I found out about ketamine, but I'm trying to first get info to the other patients I met who battle with depression. Today is day four. On Sunday (day 3) at 2:40 pm a thought came to me: I want to live! Today--I'm NOT DEPRESSED! I'm still sleeping through the night. I had a great day; nothing special--did a thorough scrubbing on my bathroom, had lunch out with a friend, just got home from a board meeting with the Domestic Violence advocate service I volunteer for.
I'm not being negative when I say I'm making full use of my six days--the average time the ketamine effect lasts. In 100% of the case studies, the effect wears off. I can handle some more days or even months of depression. What I could no longer handle was what I perceived as the sheer hopelessness of the depression.
This is the link to the Medscape article (which I would never have found without my contributor Delle) about ketamine: http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/736133 - "Is ketamine ready for prime time? It's very close to being ready for prime time. These are approved medications; they are very safe. Ketamine is used many times a day in this very institution, at UCSD Medical Center. We have a population of patients who have no other option; they are extremely ill, their lives are miserable; they have tried everything. For that reason, weighing the risks and benefits, we have actually begun a protocol here at UCSD Medical Center where we offer intravenous ketamine infusions for patients in this situation, making it clear to them that this is not an approved medication, that this is not going to be covered by insurance, but that it could be very beneficial for them. If nothing else, sometimes it is helpful just to provide hope. Some people with treatment-resistant depression have not felt well for many years, and they start believing that nothing will make them feel better. If you can give them some hope, sometimes that itself is very beneficial. Keep an eye on intravenous ketamine; I think it could potentially be a real game changer in our field."
You can hear more about ketamine by going to National Public Radio's website and searching for the 2 broadcasts on Jan. 30 and 31, 2012. Several people contacted me that night and the next day to tell me about the broadcast on the 31st. It gave me so much hope I immediately called my new shrink (but I'd known him from when I was in the psych ward in Jan. '11) to make an appt. which was 3 weeks off. I then canceled my appt with suicide on Feb. 2 and thought I'd make one last effort.
I'm not being negative when I say I'm making full use of my six days--the average time the ketamine effect lasts. In 100% of the case studies, the effect wears off. I can handle some more days or even months of depression. What I could no longer handle was what I perceived as the sheer hopelessness of the depression.
This is the link to the Medscape article (which I would never have found without my contributor Delle) about ketamine: http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/736133 - "Is ketamine ready for prime time? It's very close to being ready for prime time. These are approved medications; they are very safe. Ketamine is used many times a day in this very institution, at UCSD Medical Center. We have a population of patients who have no other option; they are extremely ill, their lives are miserable; they have tried everything. For that reason, weighing the risks and benefits, we have actually begun a protocol here at UCSD Medical Center where we offer intravenous ketamine infusions for patients in this situation, making it clear to them that this is not an approved medication, that this is not going to be covered by insurance, but that it could be very beneficial for them. If nothing else, sometimes it is helpful just to provide hope. Some people with treatment-resistant depression have not felt well for many years, and they start believing that nothing will make them feel better. If you can give them some hope, sometimes that itself is very beneficial. Keep an eye on intravenous ketamine; I think it could potentially be a real game changer in our field."
You can hear more about ketamine by going to National Public Radio's website and searching for the 2 broadcasts on Jan. 30 and 31, 2012. Several people contacted me that night and the next day to tell me about the broadcast on the 31st. It gave me so much hope I immediately called my new shrink (but I'd known him from when I was in the psych ward in Jan. '11) to make an appt. which was 3 weeks off. I then canceled my appt with suicide on Feb. 2 and thought I'd make one last effort.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Friday the 13th Is My Lucky Day!
I had a ketamine infusion Friday morning about 7:30. Immediately after the procedure, tears came to my eyes because I hadn't felt anything other than a little drunk for a few minutes. No hallucination (the k-hole experience), no feeling of euphoria. But I reminded myself that is what people who took ketamine and weren't depressed experienced, so I should be patient. I reminded myself of the man in California who'd been on anti-depressants since he was 15, took ketamine on a Monday morning when he was 28, felt better by that afternoon and on Wednesday wanted to do things. Today is my "Wednesday" and I want to do things.
About thirty minutes after I got back to my room (it'd been maybe 3 hours since the infusion), I was thinking I didn't feel any better, but reminded myself I needed to give it six hours and even if it didn't work this time, my doctor was willing to try it again and maybe I just needed a bigger dose. Whatever trite sayings there are to describe my reaction to that thought are true--"with a jolt she rose from her pillow and realized she hadn't thought of suicide." Yes, dear friends, suicide was my constant consolation for every minute of every day for the previous eight years. I could always kill myself. For the first time, my mind thought of alternatives. I was not suicidal. I am not suicidal. I am hopeful.
The ketamine result only lasts for a limited time, but as I said, my doctor is willing to repeat it. After the man in California had it, he was able to respond to an anti-depressant. It may work like rebooting the brain. I'll try to give more details about the ketamine in another post and also tell you the hilarious and horrendous happenings at the funny farm, but for now, I've got things to do!
About thirty minutes after I got back to my room (it'd been maybe 3 hours since the infusion), I was thinking I didn't feel any better, but reminded myself I needed to give it six hours and even if it didn't work this time, my doctor was willing to try it again and maybe I just needed a bigger dose. Whatever trite sayings there are to describe my reaction to that thought are true--"with a jolt she rose from her pillow and realized she hadn't thought of suicide." Yes, dear friends, suicide was my constant consolation for every minute of every day for the previous eight years. I could always kill myself. For the first time, my mind thought of alternatives. I was not suicidal. I am not suicidal. I am hopeful.
The ketamine result only lasts for a limited time, but as I said, my doctor is willing to repeat it. After the man in California had it, he was able to respond to an anti-depressant. It may work like rebooting the brain. I'll try to give more details about the ketamine in another post and also tell you the hilarious and horrendous happenings at the funny farm, but for now, I've got things to do!
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Oh Boy! Another Anal Probe!
Stay tuned for fun times in the psych ward, part four. The Mayo Clinic was the only mental ward I was ever in that allowed access to computers and the internet, so it may be awhile before I can regale you with tales of those kooky goings-on of the depressed and drug-dependant [see Twice in Four Months from May 8, 2011 and Fun Times in the Psych Ward from Feb. 2, 2011] that will inevitably occur over the next week or three. But at least this time my newest shrink (last and most long-time one retired in December) let me pick my own date for my anal probe (yes, innocent readers--before entering a mental hospital they check your butt for drugs.) I know that's always been my #1 suicide plan: shove a bunch of drugs up my ass so I can dig them out later to ingest in an environment where I'm subject to 24-hour surveillance. But the medical staff doesn't know me; I could just as easily be faking a mental illness so I could smuggle drugs into the hospital to give them to my co-inmate boyfriend who's in for drug-dependance. These things actually happen, so we are told to justify the anal probes.
At least by now I have some idea what you can't take into the hospital with you. No headbands to hold back your hair while you wash your face. I told them at Mayo I wasn't creative enough to strangle myself with 6 inches of elastic, but nevertheless, no headbands, shoelaces, belts, scarves, some bras, overalls (my favorite comfy clothing), razors, tweezers, nail files, nail clippers, liquid soap--really liquid anything that could have drugs injected into it (which is basically everything you put on your face or body). I remember one hospital wouldn't let you have chapstick, but you could have the kind in the squeezy tube--it was just the opposite of the hospital I'd been in a few months prior. You couldn't have anything but these cheap ballpoint pens at one place and only golf-size pencils at another. I'm going back to the hospital I was in last January '11 but maybe I should take a variety of writing implements in case a recent patient's tried to shove a pencil lead up his vein. If these patients would just contain their suicide attempts to the privacy of their own homes, it would certainly make the whole hospital experience a little less trying for those of us with sense enough not to try to kill ourselves where we're apt to be rescued within fifteen minutes. I've already bought my bar of soap and a crossword puzzle book (thus my concern with regulation pencils) that doesn't have a wire binding. Last time I was in I brought the New York Sunday Best Crossword Puzzles but the staff confiscated it because of that potentially fatal spiral wire binding. They let me have a few pages torn out from it and supposedly were keeping the remainder in my "basket" behind the nurses' desk. Never did see the other 190 crossword puzzles, but when they gave me my suitcase back at the end of my stay, lo and behold, there was the spiral wire all on its lonely. So thoughtful to return that piece of wire--maybe they thought I could experiment with using it as an instrument of death and destruction once I was back home. Ah, what good times to look forward to on Monday!
At least by now I have some idea what you can't take into the hospital with you. No headbands to hold back your hair while you wash your face. I told them at Mayo I wasn't creative enough to strangle myself with 6 inches of elastic, but nevertheless, no headbands, shoelaces, belts, scarves, some bras, overalls (my favorite comfy clothing), razors, tweezers, nail files, nail clippers, liquid soap--really liquid anything that could have drugs injected into it (which is basically everything you put on your face or body). I remember one hospital wouldn't let you have chapstick, but you could have the kind in the squeezy tube--it was just the opposite of the hospital I'd been in a few months prior. You couldn't have anything but these cheap ballpoint pens at one place and only golf-size pencils at another. I'm going back to the hospital I was in last January '11 but maybe I should take a variety of writing implements in case a recent patient's tried to shove a pencil lead up his vein. If these patients would just contain their suicide attempts to the privacy of their own homes, it would certainly make the whole hospital experience a little less trying for those of us with sense enough not to try to kill ourselves where we're apt to be rescued within fifteen minutes. I've already bought my bar of soap and a crossword puzzle book (thus my concern with regulation pencils) that doesn't have a wire binding. Last time I was in I brought the New York Sunday Best Crossword Puzzles but the staff confiscated it because of that potentially fatal spiral wire binding. They let me have a few pages torn out from it and supposedly were keeping the remainder in my "basket" behind the nurses' desk. Never did see the other 190 crossword puzzles, but when they gave me my suitcase back at the end of my stay, lo and behold, there was the spiral wire all on its lonely. So thoughtful to return that piece of wire--maybe they thought I could experiment with using it as an instrument of death and destruction once I was back home. Ah, what good times to look forward to on Monday!
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