No One's Fault

I planned my suicide for a year.  Nothing anyone did or didn't do had any effect on my decision.  Throughout 2010 I set dates to get past to help me make it until Christmas.  I wanted one last Christmas with my family, but once that was over I had exhausted all of my resources.  I didn't have the strength to climb over even one more day.  I'm posting this so my family can know for sure nothing was their fault.

This is something I wrote in July 2010:

       I’m not sure how I’m going to get through the weeks I’m staying with my grandsons.  Maybe just seeing them will cheer me up.  I think I probably should be in the hospital, but that doesn’t do any good except to keep me from killing myself, and I’m not sure I want to be kept from killing myself.  It’s not like some magical drugs will suddenly appear if I’m hospitalized.  There’re no other drugs to try.  I have nothing to look forward to except more years of this pain that remains incomprehensible to those who haven’t experienced it.  There is nothing to alleviate this sense of gloom and dread “that obliterates any enjoyable response to the living world.” [William Styron, Darkness Visible]  I copied Styron’s words about “presenting a face” and I wrote “Splintering” to try to make you see that I have 35 years of practicing how to be sociable when I feel like shit.  Yes, there are moments of gladness, but they are ruined by the knowledge that only pain will follow.   “What makes the condition intolerable is the foreknowledge that no remedy will come.” [Styron]  I already had six years of unremitting misery and now I’m expected to survive this additional seven plus God only knows how many more.  I’ll give the hormones a chance to act, but I don’t think I’ll have the stamina to make it to Christmas. 

If the depression is never-ending there is no answer but suicide.