Friday the 13th Is My Lucky Day!

I had a ketamine infusion Friday morning about 7:30.  Immediately after the procedure, tears came to my eyes because I hadn't felt anything other than a little drunk for a few minutes.  No hallucination (the k-hole experience), no feeling of euphoria.  But I reminded myself that is what people who took ketamine and weren't depressed experienced, so I should be patient.  I reminded myself of the man in California who'd been on anti-depressants since he was 15, took ketamine on a Monday morning when he was 28, felt better by that afternoon and on Wednesday wanted to do things.  Today is my "Wednesday" and I want to do things.

About thirty minutes after I got back to my room (it'd been maybe 3 hours since the infusion), I was thinking I didn't feel any better, but reminded myself I needed to give it six hours and even if it didn't work this time, my doctor was willing to try it again and maybe I just needed a bigger dose.  Whatever trite sayings there are to describe my reaction to that thought are true--"with a jolt she rose from her pillow and realized she hadn't thought of suicide."  Yes, dear friends, suicide was my constant consolation for every minute of every day for the previous eight years.  I could always kill myself.  For the first time, my mind thought of alternatives.  I was not suicidal.  I am not suicidal.  I am hopeful.

The ketamine result only lasts for a limited time, but as I said, my doctor is willing to repeat it.  After the man in California had it, he was able to respond to an anti-depressant.  It may work like rebooting the brain.  I'll try to give more details about the ketamine in another post and also tell you the hilarious and horrendous happenings at the funny farm, but for now, I've got things to do!