Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Mayo Clinic
I will be going to the Mayo Clinic September 12 for three days. I don't know if it will do any good, but I'm trying to explore every possibility for learning how to live with this godawful depression. I just had my 59th birthday. I never wanted to be 59, or 39 or 49 for that matter. I think I am not going to post any more until I can write something positive. I really am trying, but I just can't get a handle on this and it is suffocating me. I think if I'd had a physical illness for 35 years that was causing me untold pain, my family would give me permission to die. That's what I need from them; just let me go.
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I love you, but you if you leave us by your own hand it will never be with our permission. We would all be lost without you. I don't think you recognize the value you bring to our lives-even though we know you suffer, we are at core selfish beings, and we can't help but to always want you to be there for us!
ReplyDeleteAt the same time, if a cure comes along, we want you to be there for yourself. I know you have tried everything, but I'm afraid that right before the correct solution comes along, you'll have given up- and you won't even have an opportunity to try that solution- which would be the greatest tragedy of all- to have missed the opportunity to live.
I hope you understand and don't hate us for it.
Love, Meredith